our little blueberry

I have started and deleted this post too many times to count, mostly because I wasn't sure how to put what I was feeling into words.  Actually, I wasn't even sure what my feelings were.  And then I read this and it was like someone opened my heart and it all came pouring out.

At the beginning of the year Derek and I were elated to learn that we were pregnant with our second child.  I had quite a few friends announcing they were pregnant around this time and I was excited that our child would have friends the same age.  They (the illusive "they") tell you that you shouldn't announce a pregnancy before the second trimester because so much can happen in those first 12 weeks.  So we waited.  Even though we couldn't shout from the rooftops that we were going to have another baby, in our own private little world we were already making plans for that child.  Thinking about and suggesting names.  Wondering if it would be a girl or a boy.  Excited over the idea of Harper being a big sister.  Would this one have red hair too?  In just a few weeks, that nameless child had already woven its way into our family.  It had already filled the space in our family that was empty and waiting to be filled.  And then it was gone.  At nine weeks old, it was gone.  Nine weeks.  The size of a blueberry.  Gone.

Miscarriages are hard.  So many of my friends and loved ones have experienced at least one of them, but it's still such a sensitive topic.  Should you talk about it?  Is it a private thing that should be dealt with privately?  Should you share your experience in hopes that it will break the stigma that can be attached to it?  There are many thoughts on the subject, but I can only do what it right for me.  While I was going through the process of miscarrying (it's not as quick a process as one would think), I poured over blogs written by people that had experienced a miscarriage (or two) and had decided to write about it.  It helped me a little  to gain some idea of what to expect from others that had gone through it.  To be a little more prepared for what was to come in more than just the clinical, medical way my doctor could offer.  I am so thankful for those people that were willing to open up about their experience.  I do not consider myself a blogger or a writer, but I know enough about myself to know that I deal best when I can get my thoughts on paper.  It's a bit of a cleansing for me.  Therapeutic if you will.

When we lost our blueberry, I gave myself some days to "grieve" because I know that grieving is an important thing.  And then I decided that I would move on, that I would be grateful for the gifts that I have and look forward to trying again.  Now, more than 8 weeks later, I realize that I am still grieving.  Grieving because we waited too long for our first doctor's appointment and I never got to hear our child's heartbeat.  Grieving because that wasn't just the idea of a child, it was my child.  Grieving because Harper lost her little brother or sister.  Grieving because I will never see his/her face.  Grieving because my husbands heart was broken.  Grief sucks and is painful.  But it has to happen.  It can either force itself on you or you can let it happen.  One way or another, grief has to happen.

I believe the biggest reason miscarriages are so hard for people to talk about is because it makes other people uncomfortable.  Most people don't know how to respond to something like that.  How do tell someone you're sorry they lost something that you never knew they had.  I totally get that.  If you have read this, I certainly don't expect for you to have a response.  I don't need one.  It's ok.  We'll be ok.  I'll be ok.  Right now I will grieve, but even in grieving I have hope.  We have hope.  That's all we need.

yep, that's a blueberry tattoo.

paradise

The beach is my sanctuary.  The place were I can go and instantly feel relaxed.  Derek and I are always saying that we need to enjoy our beach so much more than we do.  I mean, people pay big money to come here and enjoy what we can enjoy for free!  It's our goal this year to get to the beach as often as possible.  A couple Sundays ago, we went out to watch the sunset and let Harper play in the sand.  I hadn't bought new beach toys yet, so she was stuck with her Halloween pumpkin bucket and a cup!  A little white-trashy, but she could have cared less.

it was a make it work moment

the water is still too cold to get in

my two favorite people
i love the clouds in the background

i can never see too many of these

Old Man Winter decided to be nice to us and deliver 80 degree weather this week.  Harper and I decided to take advantage of it and spent this morning at the beach.  It was such a beautiful day.  Neither one of us wanted to leave, but naptime was calling.

we're spoiled

road trip

We took our first real road trip with Harper the first weekend of February.  Our sweet friend (more like a sister), Katie, was getting married outside of Knoxville, TN on Saturday so we decided to expand the trip a couple of days and spend some time in Asheville.  It was fun to take Harper back to where our lives as husband and wife began and spend some time with great friends.  We hadn't gone further than a couple of hours in the car with Harper and I had some serious anxiety about a 12 hour trip with a one and a half year old.  Thankfully, she did amazing!  I do have to give props to Apple for the invention of the iPad.  Without that device, every moment of those 12 hours would have seemed soooo much longer!  

We stayed with our friends Zack, Robin and their little girl, Ruby our first night.  Sadly, on our second day Ruby woke up from her nap with flu like symptoms.  The poor, poor thing.  :(  I'm not normally a germaphobe, but after all the hype about the flu on the news, we decided it would be better for us to move to a hotel for the rest of our trip.  Thankfully, it turned out that Ruby just had a cold.

We woke up to snow on Friday and were excited for Harper to see snow for the first time.  We drove out to Windy Gap, the Young Life camp where I used to work, to see friends and play in the snow.  She loved it.  Unfortunately, we didn't have proper snow-enjoying attire, so we had to make it faster than she would have liked.  

Katie and Spencer's wedding was so beautiful and sweet.  Harper was super excited about the hymnals in the back of the pew and continued to say "BOOK!" as loud as she could.  We were so thankful that we were able to see Katie and Spencer get married and we are so excited about their new life together in New Orleans.  

I didn't take as many pictures on our trip as I would have liked.  Here's a sampling for you to enjoy.

Uggs are totally snow-appropriate, right?

family selfie.  harper's thrilled.

cold morning in downtown asheville

my little owl

it started snowing while we were waiting to
eat breakfast.  can you see the
snowflakes?

breakfast at our favorite spot--early girl eatery.

expectations

The first year to year and a half of a baby's life is filled with milestones.  The first time they smile or roll over.  The first time they sit up on their own.  When they crawl and then pull themselves up for the first time.  Every time your child meets one of those milestones there is a celebration.  Pictures and videos to document the occasion.  No milestone is documented more than the moment they take their first steps on their own.  There is video after video of those first steps all over Facebook and YouTube.  But what do you do when your expectations for when that milestone should happen don't line up with it actually happening?  What if there is a delay? 

Right before Harper's first birthday she started showing all the signs that she was about to start walking.  And then she didn't.  In June (the month after her birthday), she started taking a step or two on her own.  There was even one night that she took 8-9 steps on her own between me and Derek.  We must have said "she's going to walk any day now" a hundred times.  Then on June 20th, I was folding laundry on our bed before bedtime and Harper was playing on the bed next to me.  In a split second she decided to climb off the bed on her own.  I couldn't get to her fast enough and she slid quickly down the side of the bed.  And screamed.  And screamed some more.  I couldn't console her.  I had caught the back of her head before it hit the ground so I knew she hadn't hit her head.  I checked her over completely looking for swelling or signs of something broken.  I flexed her feet and toes.  Nothing.  She finally cried herself to sleep.  The next morning there was no swelling anywhere, but when she climbed down off my lap after her bottle she buckled and started crying.  We went to our local emergency room.  They did x-rays and said she had a buckle fracture in her lower leg.  No cast, no splint, just orders to give her Motrin for the pain.  I wasn't comfortable with that diagnosis.  Harper tried multiple times to pull herself up and then would cry in pain.  We followed up with our pediatrician the next day and he sent us to Shriner's Hospital.  We finally got an appointment with them three days later.  The doctor said she actually had a buckle fracture in both her bones in her left leg and said she'd have to have a cast for 3 weeks (thank you Manatee Memorial Hospital. jerks.).  As much of a pain that a cast is, we felt better that her leg was protected.  He said that she would be fine putting weight on her leg now that she had a cast.  However, after trying to put weight on it for several days and experiencing pain, she never tried to put weight on her cast.

the day she got her pink cast

She got her cast off on July 11th and the doctor said that she would be walking on it in no time.  So we waited.  And waited.  She never even seemed remotely interested in walking.  You don't realize how big of a deal walking is until you're asked if she's walking.  all.the.time.  The fact that she wasn't walking began to become an issue.  Let me rephrase that, it became an issue for me.  It wasn't an issue for her.  She figured out how to get around just fine and even took to walking on her knees.  But my child wasn't meeting a milestone when she was supposed to meet a milestone.  What did that say about her?  What did that say about me?  Why wasn't she toddling around like all the other kids?  Derek and I have encouraged her to walk over and over.  We hold her hand and walk her around the house.  We (in our cheerleader voice) tell her to stand up when she walks on her knees.  She is probably so sick of us.  If she could, I'm sure she'd roll her eyes. 

We just took her to her 15 month appointment on Friday.  I told her doctor she wasn't walking on her own yet expecting serious concern on his part.  She walks holding our hand, but isn't interested in going on her own.  He basically told me (in nicer, more eloquent words) to let it go...she'd walk when she was ready.  My timing and expectations are not hers.  They are mine.  And so I followed his advice.  I let it go.  I still walk with her from point A to B, but I'm not constantly pushing the idea of her going on her own.  She'll let go when she's ready.  Even as I type those words, I think about the day that I will be so sad when she lets go.  Not just to walk on her own, but to go out into the world on her own.  She's not trying to live up to my expectations.  She's living up to her own.  I will be thankful one day that she doesn't give a shiz about anybody else's expectations.  So I will just let it go.

*sigh*
i love them

This is a classic video of just how much she could care less about what we want.  She walks when she wants to and picks up ice chips when she wants to.  (this video was taken last week)

Settle In....

a new post every seven months...that's not too bad, is it?  yikes.  i won't even begin to update you on everything that has happened in the past seven months.  here's the cliff notes version.  if you're just here for the pictures, go ahead and scroll down.

march--march was a bit of a heavy month for us.  unfortunately, it all seemed to revolve around one word...cancer.  i hate cancer.  if I could punch cancer in it's junk I would.  on the 23rd, my uncle david passed away from melanoma that had metastasized in his brain and other areas of his body.  exactly one month from the day he was diagnosed.  that pretty much rocked our world.  although i have experienced loss many times on many levels, experiencing it once you become a mother is a whole different thing.  the thought that each day that we are given is a gift and should be treated as just that becomes very present in your thinking.  we are never and will never be promised tomorrow.  i don't want to look back on my life at the end of it and wish that i had made different choices along the way.  when people are faced with the reality of death, they never wish that they would have made more money or had achieved more success among their peers.  almost always, they're either thankful for the relationships they had along the way or are sad that they didn't place a bigger priority on relationships.  that is very real to me now.  we had two other cancer scares in our immediate family in march.  one scare turned out to be just that, a scare.  the other was a situation that involved surgery.  thankfully the surgery went great and we continue to pray for the recovery process.  cancer can suck it.

april--vegas!  i had the opportunity to go to las vegas for the first time in april.  my boss and i went for work and decided to take an extra day to have some fun.  las vegas is an interesting city.  we had a good time while we were there, but i can say with a bucket full of confidence that i don't need or want to go back to las vegas anytime soon.

more importantly, we decided in april, after serious contemplation, that i would cut back to part time beginning some time in july.  we had been talking about it for quite awhile, but our month of may pretty much cemented the decision.  i have wanted to be a hands-on, stay-at-home mom my whole life and it has been very hard for me to balance the emotional side of working full-time.  we are very blessed in multiples of ways when it comes to my work and our child care situations.  my bosses have been uber-flexible and have allowed me to work from home 7-10 hours of my 40 hour week and harper has had her grammie, mimi, aunt susu and her cousins whenever she isn't with myself or derek.  for those two things, i am so so so grateful.  but we decided that what is best for us for now is for me to work out of the home 20-25 hours a week and be a stay-at-home mom the rest of the time.  i can't wait for july.  it will be so nice to be able to spend more time with my sister and niece and nephew and not have to rush home to put harper down for a nap so that i can work. i can't wait to actually be able to have play dates with friends that i never get to see.  i will be more excited about preparing healthy meals for our family.  mostly, i look forward to the time that i will get to have, just me and my girl.  there are definitely going to be some challenges with this decision.  derek will feel more pressure on his end to be the provider for our family.  i will have to get back to our days of strict budgeting.  there will be :a lot: less extras in our lives.  with all of those challenges, i still can't help but feel confident in our decision. 

may--well, harper turned one.  MY BABY IS ONE YEAR OLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  i swear i only turned around for a second and then she was a year old.  holy hell.  how did that happen?  it was like two minutes ago that i was pushing her out of my nether regions and now she's flipping a year old?!?!  i'm not sure i like that.  the next thing you know she's going to be 13 and rolling her eyes at me and telling me i know absolutely nothing about absolutely everything.  :ugh:  derek and i decided that since she was turning a year older, we should probably do the same.  i rang in the big 35 and derek (my child groom) turned 33.  for our birthdays, we were given an incredible gift by my mom and susan and tim.   we got to spend 24 hours away from home and our child.  they gave us a night at the the postcard inn  on st. pete beach.  it was perfect.  we spent the whole day on the beach....drinking, napping, drinking, swimming, magazine reading, drinking.  did i mention that it was perfect?  harper had a sleepover with her cousins ethan and nia.  i told her before we left that she needed to be extra-good while we were gone so that susan and tim would be willing to keep her again some time in the future.  she obliged by sleeping in until 9:00.  what a good girl.  now if we can just get her to start walking.

june--harper decided that now that's she grown and all that she should start asserting herself.  when she has something taken away from her she used to just move on to something else.  the grown-up harper now balls her hands in fists and, on occasion, throws herself onto the floor.  i'm not sure where this little girl came from, but i'm sure that some time in the near future the two of us will have to go a few rounds.  thank goodness she is sweet, happy, loving and easy going the majority of the time.

if you've made it this far and haven't died in a pile because of all my rambling, here is some photographic goodies for you to enjoy.

the beach in january.  the perks of living in florida.

derek did a tattoo convention in bradenton in april. 
the guy in the white coat is Philadelphia Eddie.
the guy has seen and done more than i would ever want to know.
you can tell harper wasn't too sure about the whole situation.
the guy on the far left is derek's dad.

it's the old put a bowl on your face game.
if you haven't played it, you're really missing out on some serious fun.

helping put away the groceries.

another fun game...climb behind the blinds.

i mean...seriously?  look at her.

harper's birthday was flamingo themed.
i bought the flamingo cupcake toppers from etsy.



for derek's first birthday his mom made him a
panda bear cake.  for harper's first birthday, she made
her a panda bear cake holding a flamingo.  i cried when i
saw it.  that is his mom, donna, in the background.

in case you're wondering where the picture is of her diving into her cake or with cake all over her face...well, there isn't one.  she had absolutely no interest in her cake or cupcakes, so we didn't get a good picture. oh well. there's always the next child.



family portrait on harper's birthday.

my groom on our birthday getaway.

harper, nia and ethan hanging out in the crib.

i love this little girl.

Wednesday

I love Wednesdays.  Not just because it's one of my days off.  I love it because it's my day with Harper.  Just me and my girl.  Sometimes those days are too busy trying to catch up on laundry, house cleaning, etc., but I try to just do that stuff when she's napping.  This past Wednesday after her nap we decided to hang out on our bed for awhile.  I wanted to cuddle.  She wanted to roll from one end of the bed to the other.  I decided to turn it into a little photo shoot.  Here are some of the best ones.

a giggle in the making...

there it is...a full-blown giggle.  one of my favorite things.

look at that smirk.

our 6 month old.
gosh, she looks just like her dad.

*side note--i love Sundays too.  Sundays are family day.  It's the only day that Derek and I have off together.  Those days are always good days.

Fall Funzies

Harper had a great first Halloween! We met up with Tim, Susan, Ethan and Nia at a pumpkin festival the week prior to Halloween and took our family portrait. 



There we are!  Harper looks like she's saying "how did I get
mixed up with these people."



Just chillin' with the pumpkins.

We went over to Tim & Susan's on Sunday before Halloween to carve pumpkins.  We had to stop and get a pumpkin that afternoon and decided to try and take one of the classic "baby with pumpkin" photos.  As you can tell from the pictures below, it didn't really go as planned.

first came the pout...

  

then the tears...

 

then the reach for mommy.

 We moved locations and tried again...
 

she was not having it.  there's always next year.


We went over to Tim and Susan's on Halloween to go trick or treating with Ethan and Nia.  Harper wore a costume that was passed down from Nia.  She was beginning to get a little cold and wasn't feeling well, but she was a trooper.  We walked the neighborhood with Ethan and Nia and had a great time.

our little pumpkin.



not feeling great, but hanging in there.

This was the first year that Ethan and Nia went trick or treating.  It was so fun to see them catch on to what it entailed.  Ethan was a little hesitant about going up to people's doors, but Nia was all about it.  She has no fear.  It'll be fun to see how Harper does when she's older.  Here's a shot of the 3 of them after a long night of collecting candy: 


The only costume Susan could get Ethan to wear was
an M&M bag.  The kid loves candy!  Nia was a
beautiful princess. 

Can't wait for next year!