expectations

The first year to year and a half of a baby's life is filled with milestones.  The first time they smile or roll over.  The first time they sit up on their own.  When they crawl and then pull themselves up for the first time.  Every time your child meets one of those milestones there is a celebration.  Pictures and videos to document the occasion.  No milestone is documented more than the moment they take their first steps on their own.  There is video after video of those first steps all over Facebook and YouTube.  But what do you do when your expectations for when that milestone should happen don't line up with it actually happening?  What if there is a delay? 

Right before Harper's first birthday she started showing all the signs that she was about to start walking.  And then she didn't.  In June (the month after her birthday), she started taking a step or two on her own.  There was even one night that she took 8-9 steps on her own between me and Derek.  We must have said "she's going to walk any day now" a hundred times.  Then on June 20th, I was folding laundry on our bed before bedtime and Harper was playing on the bed next to me.  In a split second she decided to climb off the bed on her own.  I couldn't get to her fast enough and she slid quickly down the side of the bed.  And screamed.  And screamed some more.  I couldn't console her.  I had caught the back of her head before it hit the ground so I knew she hadn't hit her head.  I checked her over completely looking for swelling or signs of something broken.  I flexed her feet and toes.  Nothing.  She finally cried herself to sleep.  The next morning there was no swelling anywhere, but when she climbed down off my lap after her bottle she buckled and started crying.  We went to our local emergency room.  They did x-rays and said she had a buckle fracture in her lower leg.  No cast, no splint, just orders to give her Motrin for the pain.  I wasn't comfortable with that diagnosis.  Harper tried multiple times to pull herself up and then would cry in pain.  We followed up with our pediatrician the next day and he sent us to Shriner's Hospital.  We finally got an appointment with them three days later.  The doctor said she actually had a buckle fracture in both her bones in her left leg and said she'd have to have a cast for 3 weeks (thank you Manatee Memorial Hospital. jerks.).  As much of a pain that a cast is, we felt better that her leg was protected.  He said that she would be fine putting weight on her leg now that she had a cast.  However, after trying to put weight on it for several days and experiencing pain, she never tried to put weight on her cast.

the day she got her pink cast

She got her cast off on July 11th and the doctor said that she would be walking on it in no time.  So we waited.  And waited.  She never even seemed remotely interested in walking.  You don't realize how big of a deal walking is until you're asked if she's walking.  all.the.time.  The fact that she wasn't walking began to become an issue.  Let me rephrase that, it became an issue for me.  It wasn't an issue for her.  She figured out how to get around just fine and even took to walking on her knees.  But my child wasn't meeting a milestone when she was supposed to meet a milestone.  What did that say about her?  What did that say about me?  Why wasn't she toddling around like all the other kids?  Derek and I have encouraged her to walk over and over.  We hold her hand and walk her around the house.  We (in our cheerleader voice) tell her to stand up when she walks on her knees.  She is probably so sick of us.  If she could, I'm sure she'd roll her eyes. 

We just took her to her 15 month appointment on Friday.  I told her doctor she wasn't walking on her own yet expecting serious concern on his part.  She walks holding our hand, but isn't interested in going on her own.  He basically told me (in nicer, more eloquent words) to let it go...she'd walk when she was ready.  My timing and expectations are not hers.  They are mine.  And so I followed his advice.  I let it go.  I still walk with her from point A to B, but I'm not constantly pushing the idea of her going on her own.  She'll let go when she's ready.  Even as I type those words, I think about the day that I will be so sad when she lets go.  Not just to walk on her own, but to go out into the world on her own.  She's not trying to live up to my expectations.  She's living up to her own.  I will be thankful one day that she doesn't give a shiz about anybody else's expectations.  So I will just let it go.

*sigh*
i love them

This is a classic video of just how much she could care less about what we want.  She walks when she wants to and picks up ice chips when she wants to.  (this video was taken last week)

Settle In....

a new post every seven months...that's not too bad, is it?  yikes.  i won't even begin to update you on everything that has happened in the past seven months.  here's the cliff notes version.  if you're just here for the pictures, go ahead and scroll down.

march--march was a bit of a heavy month for us.  unfortunately, it all seemed to revolve around one word...cancer.  i hate cancer.  if I could punch cancer in it's junk I would.  on the 23rd, my uncle david passed away from melanoma that had metastasized in his brain and other areas of his body.  exactly one month from the day he was diagnosed.  that pretty much rocked our world.  although i have experienced loss many times on many levels, experiencing it once you become a mother is a whole different thing.  the thought that each day that we are given is a gift and should be treated as just that becomes very present in your thinking.  we are never and will never be promised tomorrow.  i don't want to look back on my life at the end of it and wish that i had made different choices along the way.  when people are faced with the reality of death, they never wish that they would have made more money or had achieved more success among their peers.  almost always, they're either thankful for the relationships they had along the way or are sad that they didn't place a bigger priority on relationships.  that is very real to me now.  we had two other cancer scares in our immediate family in march.  one scare turned out to be just that, a scare.  the other was a situation that involved surgery.  thankfully the surgery went great and we continue to pray for the recovery process.  cancer can suck it.

april--vegas!  i had the opportunity to go to las vegas for the first time in april.  my boss and i went for work and decided to take an extra day to have some fun.  las vegas is an interesting city.  we had a good time while we were there, but i can say with a bucket full of confidence that i don't need or want to go back to las vegas anytime soon.

more importantly, we decided in april, after serious contemplation, that i would cut back to part time beginning some time in july.  we had been talking about it for quite awhile, but our month of may pretty much cemented the decision.  i have wanted to be a hands-on, stay-at-home mom my whole life and it has been very hard for me to balance the emotional side of working full-time.  we are very blessed in multiples of ways when it comes to my work and our child care situations.  my bosses have been uber-flexible and have allowed me to work from home 7-10 hours of my 40 hour week and harper has had her grammie, mimi, aunt susu and her cousins whenever she isn't with myself or derek.  for those two things, i am so so so grateful.  but we decided that what is best for us for now is for me to work out of the home 20-25 hours a week and be a stay-at-home mom the rest of the time.  i can't wait for july.  it will be so nice to be able to spend more time with my sister and niece and nephew and not have to rush home to put harper down for a nap so that i can work. i can't wait to actually be able to have play dates with friends that i never get to see.  i will be more excited about preparing healthy meals for our family.  mostly, i look forward to the time that i will get to have, just me and my girl.  there are definitely going to be some challenges with this decision.  derek will feel more pressure on his end to be the provider for our family.  i will have to get back to our days of strict budgeting.  there will be :a lot: less extras in our lives.  with all of those challenges, i still can't help but feel confident in our decision. 

may--well, harper turned one.  MY BABY IS ONE YEAR OLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  i swear i only turned around for a second and then she was a year old.  holy hell.  how did that happen?  it was like two minutes ago that i was pushing her out of my nether regions and now she's flipping a year old?!?!  i'm not sure i like that.  the next thing you know she's going to be 13 and rolling her eyes at me and telling me i know absolutely nothing about absolutely everything.  :ugh:  derek and i decided that since she was turning a year older, we should probably do the same.  i rang in the big 35 and derek (my child groom) turned 33.  for our birthdays, we were given an incredible gift by my mom and susan and tim.   we got to spend 24 hours away from home and our child.  they gave us a night at the the postcard inn  on st. pete beach.  it was perfect.  we spent the whole day on the beach....drinking, napping, drinking, swimming, magazine reading, drinking.  did i mention that it was perfect?  harper had a sleepover with her cousins ethan and nia.  i told her before we left that she needed to be extra-good while we were gone so that susan and tim would be willing to keep her again some time in the future.  she obliged by sleeping in until 9:00.  what a good girl.  now if we can just get her to start walking.

june--harper decided that now that's she grown and all that she should start asserting herself.  when she has something taken away from her she used to just move on to something else.  the grown-up harper now balls her hands in fists and, on occasion, throws herself onto the floor.  i'm not sure where this little girl came from, but i'm sure that some time in the near future the two of us will have to go a few rounds.  thank goodness she is sweet, happy, loving and easy going the majority of the time.

if you've made it this far and haven't died in a pile because of all my rambling, here is some photographic goodies for you to enjoy.

the beach in january.  the perks of living in florida.

derek did a tattoo convention in bradenton in april. 
the guy in the white coat is Philadelphia Eddie.
the guy has seen and done more than i would ever want to know.
you can tell harper wasn't too sure about the whole situation.
the guy on the far left is derek's dad.

it's the old put a bowl on your face game.
if you haven't played it, you're really missing out on some serious fun.

helping put away the groceries.

another fun game...climb behind the blinds.

i mean...seriously?  look at her.

harper's birthday was flamingo themed.
i bought the flamingo cupcake toppers from etsy.



for derek's first birthday his mom made him a
panda bear cake.  for harper's first birthday, she made
her a panda bear cake holding a flamingo.  i cried when i
saw it.  that is his mom, donna, in the background.

in case you're wondering where the picture is of her diving into her cake or with cake all over her face...well, there isn't one.  she had absolutely no interest in her cake or cupcakes, so we didn't get a good picture. oh well. there's always the next child.



family portrait on harper's birthday.

my groom on our birthday getaway.

harper, nia and ethan hanging out in the crib.

i love this little girl.