expectations

The first year to year and a half of a baby's life is filled with milestones.  The first time they smile or roll over.  The first time they sit up on their own.  When they crawl and then pull themselves up for the first time.  Every time your child meets one of those milestones there is a celebration.  Pictures and videos to document the occasion.  No milestone is documented more than the moment they take their first steps on their own.  There is video after video of those first steps all over Facebook and YouTube.  But what do you do when your expectations for when that milestone should happen don't line up with it actually happening?  What if there is a delay? 

Right before Harper's first birthday she started showing all the signs that she was about to start walking.  And then she didn't.  In June (the month after her birthday), she started taking a step or two on her own.  There was even one night that she took 8-9 steps on her own between me and Derek.  We must have said "she's going to walk any day now" a hundred times.  Then on June 20th, I was folding laundry on our bed before bedtime and Harper was playing on the bed next to me.  In a split second she decided to climb off the bed on her own.  I couldn't get to her fast enough and she slid quickly down the side of the bed.  And screamed.  And screamed some more.  I couldn't console her.  I had caught the back of her head before it hit the ground so I knew she hadn't hit her head.  I checked her over completely looking for swelling or signs of something broken.  I flexed her feet and toes.  Nothing.  She finally cried herself to sleep.  The next morning there was no swelling anywhere, but when she climbed down off my lap after her bottle she buckled and started crying.  We went to our local emergency room.  They did x-rays and said she had a buckle fracture in her lower leg.  No cast, no splint, just orders to give her Motrin for the pain.  I wasn't comfortable with that diagnosis.  Harper tried multiple times to pull herself up and then would cry in pain.  We followed up with our pediatrician the next day and he sent us to Shriner's Hospital.  We finally got an appointment with them three days later.  The doctor said she actually had a buckle fracture in both her bones in her left leg and said she'd have to have a cast for 3 weeks (thank you Manatee Memorial Hospital. jerks.).  As much of a pain that a cast is, we felt better that her leg was protected.  He said that she would be fine putting weight on her leg now that she had a cast.  However, after trying to put weight on it for several days and experiencing pain, she never tried to put weight on her cast.

the day she got her pink cast

She got her cast off on July 11th and the doctor said that she would be walking on it in no time.  So we waited.  And waited.  She never even seemed remotely interested in walking.  You don't realize how big of a deal walking is until you're asked if she's walking.  all.the.time.  The fact that she wasn't walking began to become an issue.  Let me rephrase that, it became an issue for me.  It wasn't an issue for her.  She figured out how to get around just fine and even took to walking on her knees.  But my child wasn't meeting a milestone when she was supposed to meet a milestone.  What did that say about her?  What did that say about me?  Why wasn't she toddling around like all the other kids?  Derek and I have encouraged her to walk over and over.  We hold her hand and walk her around the house.  We (in our cheerleader voice) tell her to stand up when she walks on her knees.  She is probably so sick of us.  If she could, I'm sure she'd roll her eyes. 

We just took her to her 15 month appointment on Friday.  I told her doctor she wasn't walking on her own yet expecting serious concern on his part.  She walks holding our hand, but isn't interested in going on her own.  He basically told me (in nicer, more eloquent words) to let it go...she'd walk when she was ready.  My timing and expectations are not hers.  They are mine.  And so I followed his advice.  I let it go.  I still walk with her from point A to B, but I'm not constantly pushing the idea of her going on her own.  She'll let go when she's ready.  Even as I type those words, I think about the day that I will be so sad when she lets go.  Not just to walk on her own, but to go out into the world on her own.  She's not trying to live up to my expectations.  She's living up to her own.  I will be thankful one day that she doesn't give a shiz about anybody else's expectations.  So I will just let it go.

*sigh*
i love them

This is a classic video of just how much she could care less about what we want.  She walks when she wants to and picks up ice chips when she wants to.  (this video was taken last week)